How to Stop Apologizing
"I'm sorry" - how many times have you said this in the past week? If you're like most people, the answer is probably "too many to count." As a communication expert, over-apologizing is something I have seen hundreds of times. But why do we apologize so much? Is it because we've been taught that it's the polite thing to do? Or is there something more going on beneath the surface?
Now, you might be thinking, "But I only apologize when I've actually done something wrong. Surely that's not a bad thing?" You would be right - apologizing when you've made a mistake is absolutely fine. But apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong is a different story altogether. Have you ever noticed that apologizing too often, especially when you've done nothing wrong, can lead to people taking advantage of you? When we apologize for something that wasn't our fault, we establish a power dynamic in which the other person is superior.
How to stop apologizing
Apologizing can be a very powerful tool for communication – it's a way to show that you are sorry for something, or are willing to take responsibility. Too much apologizing can have a damaging effect on communication and self-confidence, but it is an issue that many people face. If this sounds like you, don’t worry – there are things you can do to stop yourself from over-apologizing.
First, take stock of when and why you apologize.
I recommend tracking your apologies in order to identify any patterns that could be holding you back. Once those patterns are identified, try replacing apologies with empathetic declarations: rather than saying “I'm sorry," try something like "I recognize your point" or “I understand why you feel that way."
Secondly, practice “assertive communication” instead of relying on over-apologizing.
Assertive communication means speaking confidently and clearly about your opinions or statements. Make the statement and resist the urge to fill any space after your statement. Just give them time to process what you've said. Learning assertive communication skills can help you express yourself without feeling the need to apologize.
Finally, remember to be kind to yourself.
Keep an eye out for any negative inner dialogue like “I always mess up”– these thoughts can cause us to apologize unnecessarily. Try to recognize these thoughts for what they are and replace them with more positive affirmations.
Over-apologizing can have an adverse effect on communication, but it's something that can be changed with a bit of effort. With enough practice, you’ll soon find yourself communicating more confidently and naturally, without the need to apologize. Good luck!
RACHEL DEALTO
Rachel DeAlto is a keynote speaker on communication, leadership, team building, and more. She’s on a mission to connect people to their most powerful resource—each other.